*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
How to woo a woman
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.