Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
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I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out