[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
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[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’