Well, my evening plans are ruined
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I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
nobody’s gonna understand
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
let’s discuss
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me