ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
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My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what