Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
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The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down