The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
You Might Also Like
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.