BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
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Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?