What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
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People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Tough love is true love
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Who’s drunk
*raises leg