Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
britain’s three elite institutions
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Don’t snitch tag.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.