Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
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i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
What about a To-Don’t List?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Strange
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.