(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
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Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??