Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this: