Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
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Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about