[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
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I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Cats (2019)
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.