You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?