Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
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[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.