It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
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Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.