“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
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The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on