9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
❤️🦆
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
As the Lord intended
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?