Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
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My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.