Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
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*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.