ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
#polloftheday
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife