left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
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Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*