Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
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When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
@funTweeters
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely