[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
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Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
OMG 🤣🤣
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it