I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
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So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
23. the denim jacket
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’