*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
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I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.