I did not eat the cake…
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
The Onion called it…again.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers