If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.