Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
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when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Knock Knock
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.