Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
You Might Also Like
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”