*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
My beach vacation Google searches
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Bloody internet 😳
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.