Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
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Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF