I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.