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Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies