STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
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*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*