When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
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me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.