You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
You Might Also Like
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead