Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.