Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
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I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
screw you
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”