Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Mouse
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.