Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
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Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Hero horse inspires millions
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
🤣🤣🤣
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one