Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.