Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
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My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Yep.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch