Geez man, take it easy.
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.