You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.