Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
We decided to have money instead of children.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.