I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
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People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I think this should do it.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.