*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
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Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
The news in a nutshell.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave